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  • Writer's pictureLife Coach Bindiya Murgai


Updated: Feb 11, 2022

We meet someone.

We think they are special.

We want them.

Love them.

Marry them.

And then...

We want to change them.

Why marry a lemon when what you want is a banana?

Just the idea to want your partner to become someone else, "your version" of themselves, is inherently corrosive for any human being, and for a happy and fulfilling relationship. The expectation of wanting your partner to be considerate, respectful and adjusting (think bending, not breaking) is one thing. However, an all too common martial assumption, and also a colossal impediment in staying happily married is that the other person should simply "change" for you.

Before we go on, take a moment to really read and absorb the definition of


To replace (something) with something else, especially something of the kind that is newer or better; substitute one thing for another. Make (someone or something) different; alter or modify.change as per the dictionary.

Now consider what the need or desire to change your partner says about you, especially when the change is something you demand or expect of them.

1. That you couldn't get your ideal partner, so you settled for what was at hand, in the hope that the frog will transform into a prince/ss? This means that your partner fell short, to begin with -- and good luck to them for trying to match your previously undisclosed expectations!

2. You simply didn't know what you wanted. Or perhaps you were blinded by the flood of chemicals that drowned your logical mind into a blackhole of poor choices. Until after you got married and the dopamine fog cleared out, making way for 20/20 vision, to clearly see your fleshy blunder lying beside you every morning and night. What choice did you have, except to try everything in your power to remodel, knock him/her into an acceptable version of a life partner, right?

3. You were desperate. Everyone around had a partner, there was social/ parental pressure, you were lost and lonely, felt like your time and options were running out, so you jumped on to the only available human raft, with a prayer in your heart that this ramshackle-house-of-a-person will somehow get renovated into a stunning bayside mansion. Nice, tall order!

4. You are a control freak. You will change your partner, by hook or crook, tears or tantrums, power or threats. Hail or Heil!

5. You are a diehard optimist. Or a naive fool. Living on a prayer. Your pick!

I'm sure you get the drift. The point is, that you need to marry someone you not just love, but really like. A person who you can be comfortable spending several decades with, given the way they are now, in the present. If your partner's present version is not very palatable, if it's misaligned with your core values, your temperament, life goals and expectations, then either you embrace and make peace with it before making a serious commitment, or in all likelihood, someone will get the short end of the stick. One of you will not be happy.

Moral of the story: Want lemon. Marry Lemon. Not Banana.

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